don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
