The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
