Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
