The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
