Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
