Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
