When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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