I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
