I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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