why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize