Kareoke will never be a sober sport
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
