life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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