before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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