I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
