I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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