I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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