Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So vagazzling was a success
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize