What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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