Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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