I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize