The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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