Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
