i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
