you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
