Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
