I think I died a long time ago.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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