i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
