I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
