It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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