My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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