A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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