1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
