I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
