i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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