I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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