Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
she told me i tasted like america
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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