Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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