goodnight i made you a song goodbye
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
