Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
