Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
