she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
