Jerry, you need to find god
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
