You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
