the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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