I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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