Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You pole danced in your parka.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
