So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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