let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
