i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize