if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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