Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Everclear isn't food dammit
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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