Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
