We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
