My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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