she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
