so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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