$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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