I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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