I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
