She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
