did you get engaged???
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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